BraindumpPersonal Journey Through Sexual Development and Relationships
Summary:
- Discussion of sexual development starting at age 14, including initial experiences with masturbation and relationships.
- Struggles with relationships and sexual performance, particularly with a Russian girl in 2004 and a girlfriend in 2005.
- Exploration of intimacy issues leading to hypnotherapy and chakra yoga in 2020, resulting in improved sexual experiences.
- Realization about being too picky with potential partners, leading to a shift in expectations with an intimacy coach.
- Experiments with professional sex to alleviate pressure and gain experience with sexual encounters.
Content:
And here is the homework for the sexologist. So my development, my sexual development is I started a bit late, I think. Like at 14, I had a tutor that I was quite a good friend with. And he asked me whether I masturbate, I think. And I told him that I don't do it. But a bit later, I think I started masturbating. There was a period of my time where I was delivering magazines and some of them were sexual and that got me quite horny. And yeah, I started masturbating on those magazines. And then I was also like struggling with women in my teens, in my teenager years.
And I didn't have actually that much of, like until maybe 17, I didn't have that much of interest in getting a girlfriend. I think with 15 or something, there was a girl that came to me and like from my class and showed, like told me explicitly that she's kind of like interested and how is it? And I told her that I'm not really interested in a relationship at the moment. So I'm not sure for how old I was exactly, but yeah. And then I met a girl and we were laying together, touching a little bit each other, but not much.
And, but this relationship broke up pretty quickly because my friend told her that I'm just about this relationship. And with my immaturity and naivety and insecurity, I handled it very badly. And yeah, it was the first time that my heart was broken, I think. Okay, previously I had some girls that I really liked from like when I met them, but yeah, they weren't interested in me. Okay, there was in my high school, there were a few, there was one girl that wanted something from me, but I didn't find her attractive. I found her, I found that she was looking stupid, but there was for a year or two, I was attracted to one of the girls from my class, but I was maybe insecure or something, but so I didn't made the move, even though she was interested as well.
And then I went to Bulgaria to the seaside and I got learned, I met a girl, a Russian girl who was a bit more mature than me. And she wanted to have sex with me. I think she was even virgin and she wanted to be unvirgin, so she wanted to lose virginity to me. And I wanted sex as well, but I couldn't perform. Suddenly when we wanted to have sex, my penis erect and I tried many different things and on different days, like several days, and she was quite disappointed. And every time when she left, I went to the shower and it worked perfectly fine.
So that's, that was, yeah, a very disappointing experience for me, especially because I was disappointing her. And then, so that was 2005 and a year later or two, yeah, I think, so 2005, 2004, maybe it was 2004. And then in 2005, I met my first proper girlfriend and there it was quite okay with sex. Maybe at the beginning it was a bit slow start. Yeah, at the beginning she was virgin and I had trouble to penetrate her. It was going soft every time I wanted to penetrate her, like to make her lose her virginity. But at some point I managed to do that and then it was quite okay.
So it wasn't perfect, but also I didn't feel, oftentimes I didn't feel that much, not that intensively, the pleasure, but especially with condoms. I tried a couple of times at the later stage without a condom and it was much, much, much more intensive, much better. But when her friend got pregnant, she decided not to do, not to have sex without a condom anymore. So, and then in the, in the USA, I, there was a girl that was very interested in me, American girl. And we met for having sex and it went, like she did a blowjob, my penis was stiff.
All the time I was enjoying it, but then I put condom on and I started penetrating, and after a while, I stopped feeling anything, and it went down, and that was quite embarrassing for me. And this girl was really enjoying it before that, so it was... I think that made me quite insecure, because I thought, like, even if I have opportunities with sex and with just for fun, it's very likely that I will not be able to perform. Yeah, and then in 2020, I started hypnotherapy because of my narcissistic client, and I started doing chakra yoga, which also includes, like, some practices for the pelvic or for the, like, erection a little bit.
And I don't know, like, there is, I don't know what, there are some exercises that improve the strength of erection, but maybe also the whole other thing with chakra, with the energy for the sexual desire or something. But for the first time, I felt it more intensive, the masturbation. So, before that, I never moaned, like, I didn't make any sound when I was masturbating. And then, ah ja, also in Munich, in 2013, 12, I had this girl, this kind of girlfriend, and at the beginning, there was quite a period when I was struggling to erection for the penetration.
And then, at some point, it got a little bit better, and then I tried the ring for the penis, the penis ring, and that was like, she was surprised how confident I was with that ring. And that time, I didn't have, like, any problems. It was really cool sex. And after that, I didn't have a girlfriend for a very long time, until 2024. Yeah. So, I went there in 2019. I went to erotic massage, and there I also struggled to get it off, to get it up. That was also disappointing. And, yeah, then came this chakra yoga, which showed me, like, more intensive experience with my penis.
And then, and then I did a hypnosis, rapid transformational therapy, and that changed my, like, that removed my fear to, so I remember, before this hypnosis, I was in Lidl, and there was a pretty girl coming towards me to get some products, and I got so nervous just by thinking, talking with her, maybe also because, like, this, I think the erection issue got a lot of insecurities in me, but even besides that, probably there was something else. But after the hypnosis, I suddenly became more horny, and I immediately wrote to a girl that I found not attractive enough, and I scheduled a date with her.
And this time, I found her more attractive, and I wanted a girlfriend much more. And then there was a moment where a girl was heading towards me, like, on the street, and I realized that I didn't feel this anxiousness and this fear and this insecurity as I used to. So, and in this, yeah, hypnosis, I was working on confidence in front of the camera, but it has, like, impact on many areas of my life. Yeah, usually it involves, like, my hypnotisms, RTT, rapid transformational therapy hypnotisms, are involving my mother and my step-grandmother. They are kind of like my aunt and the bullies, yeah, the bullies in school.
So those three groups, I think, they are my biggest, like, challenges for my confidence and stuff. So, yeah. And then I started going to a intimacy coach. And I... That was interesting, so we recognized that I was too picky with girls because I was afraid that I will find not a good fit, like my mother did. My mother married my stepfather just because he was not drinking alcohol. He was not drinking alcohol, but he wasn't alcoholic. And he wasn't a good fit for her. They were fighting so often, like for 25 years, but she wanted, like, she didn't have the opportunity to stay with me alone as a single mother, so she was kind of like, it was necessary for her to marry the first best guy who was not a complete fuck-up.
And I felt like she was suffering a lot, and because of that, I was trying to find a girl that has all the check marks, like a lot of interest with my, like aligned with my interests, and so on. And the intimacy coach gave me, like, the homework to write down all the criteria that is, that I want, that I have for choosing a girlfriend, and that, and with the intimacy coach, I realized that it's way too strict, it's way too long, and actually, the only important thing is that I find her attractive, and that's initially, like, enough, and I don't need, like, a clone of me with the same hobbies and the same interests, and so on.
And also, another thing was, I wanted a pretty girl and sexy girl, because I was afraid that I will not get aroused if she's not. And intimacy coach did an exercise with me where I closed my eyes and she closed my eyes, and we were both very relaxed, and we were touching each other in non-sexual way, kind of, like, but tender way. And that, and then I opened, and that felt so amazing, like those touches. And then I opened my eyes and suddenly, she looked so much more beautiful, my intimacy coach, even though she was not, and she was not attractive to me at all, but that made me realize that it's not about attractiveness initially so much, it's about relaxation and kind of horniness.
Like, if I'm in the mood, in the right mood, then the girl will become pretty automatically. So, yeah, and then I told her that I have, like, those problems, and I told her that I need some practice with sex, because, like, I decided, like, to go to pay for sex, because with girlfriends, I'm too insecure, it's too much pressure, but with professional sex, I can experiment. And yeah, it was a wild read. So, there was one very, so quite expensive one, but she was kissing, and that was pretty good. I managed to have sex with her, even though with some difficulties.
But then, yeah, with some, so with massage, so I was experimenting with erotic massages, that was going quite well. Sometimes I struggled, but the good thing is there is no pressure to have an erection. So that's why I didn't feel that much of a pressure. And oftentimes, and sometimes, like, even if I had some pressure, even if I had some trouble to get it up, I just thought to myself, ah, I'm not in the control of my body, I let myself loose, I'm like a slave or something, and then it worked pretty well. But with sex, yeah, it was up and down.
There was one woman I was having sex with her, but then when I was, yeah, that was working well, I didn't like her tattoo of her son on the back, that was off-putting, but even despite that, I think it was quite okay. But then there was another woman with fake boobies, boobs. She could masturbate me, but I couldn't have sex with her. And then it was too fast, and she, I don't know, like, yeah. And then, yeah, there was one girl that, yeah, was not very inviting. She, there was a TV running on the side and she wanted to just get over with.
She was, she wanted to masturbate me, and I was struggling to get it up, and she was putting pressure, time pressure on me. And I told her, we have one hour, and she was, like, with her facial expression, she wasn't very happy about that, and yeah, it didn't work at all. At some point, it was working hardly, and then I asked her to have sex, and she wanted to do that, but my, yeah, penis fall again. So yeah, those were my experiments before professional help. And as kind of like practice for this intimacy coaching. And then And then I finally got a girlfriend.
So I was actually like talking to her in a speed dating event. And only after a while, I was like, wait a moment, she's actually not pretty, and she is, but we have some, quite some things in common, like we were talking about psychology. And yeah, we could, we had a nice interesting conversation about that. So I said to myself, wait a moment, she is thin, I think if I'm relaxed, like with the exercise with the intimacy coach, I will find her attractive. Like I can see there is potential. So, yeah. And at that point, I started having dates on a regular basis, almost every week once, once a week.
I was active on Tinder and on Facebook a little bit, like, but none of them were working out, especially like there was one girl and she, I didn't feel like she cares about what I want. First date, I was really amazed about that, like we had a nice conversation, she. But then second date, she was like, whenever I have time, we can meet, like whenever she has time, she will give me a short notice, and then I can come. And then like she made me pay for her soup, and I felt not, no any, not like, I felt that she's not respecting what my wants and needs.
She's only thinking about herself, and I decided not to follow this relationship. She was saying like, yeah, she's busy, and I have to adjust to her, and if I don't, it's like, and then when I said, no, I don't want to adjust, like spontaneously, and she said, yeah, you are like German. So yeah, and exactly I met this girl that I became, that became my girlfriend. So here, I, So first I met, so yeah, it was
- Discussion of sexual development starting at age 14, including initial experiences with masturbation and relationships.
- Struggles with relationships and sexual performance, particularly with a Russian girl in 2004 and a girlfriend in 2005.
- Exploration of intimacy issues leading to hypnotherapy and chakra yoga in 2020, resulting in improved sexual experiences.
- Realization about being too picky with potential partners, leading to a shift in expectations with an intimacy coach.
- Experiments with professional sex to alleviate pressure and gain experience with sexual encounters.
Content:
And here is the homework for the sexologist. So my development, my sexual development is I started a bit late, I think. Like at 14, I had a tutor that I was quite a good friend with. And he asked me whether I masturbate, I think. And I told him that I don't do it. But a bit later, I think I started masturbating. There was a period of my time where I was delivering magazines and some of them were sexual and that got me quite horny. And yeah, I started masturbating on those magazines. And then I was also like struggling with women in my teens, in my teenager years.
And I didn't have actually that much of, like until maybe 17, I didn't have that much of interest in getting a girlfriend. I think with 15 or something, there was a girl that came to me and like from my class and showed, like told me explicitly that she's kind of like interested and how is it? And I told her that I'm not really interested in a relationship at the moment. So I'm not sure for how old I was exactly, but yeah. And then I met a girl and we were laying together, touching a little bit each other, but not much.
And, but this relationship broke up pretty quickly because my friend told her that I'm just about this relationship. And with my immaturity and naivety and insecurity, I handled it very badly. And yeah, it was the first time that my heart was broken, I think. Okay, previously I had some girls that I really liked from like when I met them, but yeah, they weren't interested in me. Okay, there was in my high school, there were a few, there was one girl that wanted something from me, but I didn't find her attractive. I found her, I found that she was looking stupid, but there was for a year or two, I was attracted to one of the girls from my class, but I was maybe insecure or something, but so I didn't made the move, even though she was interested as well.
And then I went to Bulgaria to the seaside and I got learned, I met a girl, a Russian girl who was a bit more mature than me. And she wanted to have sex with me. I think she was even virgin and she wanted to be unvirgin, so she wanted to lose virginity to me. And I wanted sex as well, but I couldn't perform. Suddenly when we wanted to have sex, my penis erect and I tried many different things and on different days, like several days, and she was quite disappointed. And every time when she left, I went to the shower and it worked perfectly fine.
So that's, that was, yeah, a very disappointing experience for me, especially because I was disappointing her. And then, so that was 2005 and a year later or two, yeah, I think, so 2005, 2004, maybe it was 2004. And then in 2005, I met my first proper girlfriend and there it was quite okay with sex. Maybe at the beginning it was a bit slow start. Yeah, at the beginning she was virgin and I had trouble to penetrate her. It was going soft every time I wanted to penetrate her, like to make her lose her virginity. But at some point I managed to do that and then it was quite okay.
So it wasn't perfect, but also I didn't feel, oftentimes I didn't feel that much, not that intensively, the pleasure, but especially with condoms. I tried a couple of times at the later stage without a condom and it was much, much, much more intensive, much better. But when her friend got pregnant, she decided not to do, not to have sex without a condom anymore. So, and then in the, in the USA, I, there was a girl that was very interested in me, American girl. And we met for having sex and it went, like she did a blowjob, my penis was stiff.
All the time I was enjoying it, but then I put condom on and I started penetrating, and after a while, I stopped feeling anything, and it went down, and that was quite embarrassing for me. And this girl was really enjoying it before that, so it was... I think that made me quite insecure, because I thought, like, even if I have opportunities with sex and with just for fun, it's very likely that I will not be able to perform. Yeah, and then in 2020, I started hypnotherapy because of my narcissistic client, and I started doing chakra yoga, which also includes, like, some practices for the pelvic or for the, like, erection a little bit.
And I don't know, like, there is, I don't know what, there are some exercises that improve the strength of erection, but maybe also the whole other thing with chakra, with the energy for the sexual desire or something. But for the first time, I felt it more intensive, the masturbation. So, before that, I never moaned, like, I didn't make any sound when I was masturbating. And then, ah ja, also in Munich, in 2013, 12, I had this girl, this kind of girlfriend, and at the beginning, there was quite a period when I was struggling to erection for the penetration.
And then, at some point, it got a little bit better, and then I tried the ring for the penis, the penis ring, and that was like, she was surprised how confident I was with that ring. And that time, I didn't have, like, any problems. It was really cool sex. And after that, I didn't have a girlfriend for a very long time, until 2024. Yeah. So, I went there in 2019. I went to erotic massage, and there I also struggled to get it off, to get it up. That was also disappointing. And, yeah, then came this chakra yoga, which showed me, like, more intensive experience with my penis.
And then, and then I did a hypnosis, rapid transformational therapy, and that changed my, like, that removed my fear to, so I remember, before this hypnosis, I was in Lidl, and there was a pretty girl coming towards me to get some products, and I got so nervous just by thinking, talking with her, maybe also because, like, this, I think the erection issue got a lot of insecurities in me, but even besides that, probably there was something else. But after the hypnosis, I suddenly became more horny, and I immediately wrote to a girl that I found not attractive enough, and I scheduled a date with her.
And this time, I found her more attractive, and I wanted a girlfriend much more. And then there was a moment where a girl was heading towards me, like, on the street, and I realized that I didn't feel this anxiousness and this fear and this insecurity as I used to. So, and in this, yeah, hypnosis, I was working on confidence in front of the camera, but it has, like, impact on many areas of my life. Yeah, usually it involves, like, my hypnotisms, RTT, rapid transformational therapy hypnotisms, are involving my mother and my step-grandmother. They are kind of like my aunt and the bullies, yeah, the bullies in school.
So those three groups, I think, they are my biggest, like, challenges for my confidence and stuff. So, yeah. And then I started going to a intimacy coach. And I... That was interesting, so we recognized that I was too picky with girls because I was afraid that I will find not a good fit, like my mother did. My mother married my stepfather just because he was not drinking alcohol. He was not drinking alcohol, but he wasn't alcoholic. And he wasn't a good fit for her. They were fighting so often, like for 25 years, but she wanted, like, she didn't have the opportunity to stay with me alone as a single mother, so she was kind of like, it was necessary for her to marry the first best guy who was not a complete fuck-up.
And I felt like she was suffering a lot, and because of that, I was trying to find a girl that has all the check marks, like a lot of interest with my, like aligned with my interests, and so on. And the intimacy coach gave me, like, the homework to write down all the criteria that is, that I want, that I have for choosing a girlfriend, and that, and with the intimacy coach, I realized that it's way too strict, it's way too long, and actually, the only important thing is that I find her attractive, and that's initially, like, enough, and I don't need, like, a clone of me with the same hobbies and the same interests, and so on.
And also, another thing was, I wanted a pretty girl and sexy girl, because I was afraid that I will not get aroused if she's not. And intimacy coach did an exercise with me where I closed my eyes and she closed my eyes, and we were both very relaxed, and we were touching each other in non-sexual way, kind of, like, but tender way. And that, and then I opened, and that felt so amazing, like those touches. And then I opened my eyes and suddenly, she looked so much more beautiful, my intimacy coach, even though she was not, and she was not attractive to me at all, but that made me realize that it's not about attractiveness initially so much, it's about relaxation and kind of horniness.
Like, if I'm in the mood, in the right mood, then the girl will become pretty automatically. So, yeah, and then I told her that I have, like, those problems, and I told her that I need some practice with sex, because, like, I decided, like, to go to pay for sex, because with girlfriends, I'm too insecure, it's too much pressure, but with professional sex, I can experiment. And yeah, it was a wild read. So, there was one very, so quite expensive one, but she was kissing, and that was pretty good. I managed to have sex with her, even though with some difficulties.
But then, yeah, with some, so with massage, so I was experimenting with erotic massages, that was going quite well. Sometimes I struggled, but the good thing is there is no pressure to have an erection. So that's why I didn't feel that much of a pressure. And oftentimes, and sometimes, like, even if I had some pressure, even if I had some trouble to get it up, I just thought to myself, ah, I'm not in the control of my body, I let myself loose, I'm like a slave or something, and then it worked pretty well. But with sex, yeah, it was up and down.
There was one woman I was having sex with her, but then when I was, yeah, that was working well, I didn't like her tattoo of her son on the back, that was off-putting, but even despite that, I think it was quite okay. But then there was another woman with fake boobies, boobs. She could masturbate me, but I couldn't have sex with her. And then it was too fast, and she, I don't know, like, yeah. And then, yeah, there was one girl that, yeah, was not very inviting. She, there was a TV running on the side and she wanted to just get over with.
She was, she wanted to masturbate me, and I was struggling to get it up, and she was putting pressure, time pressure on me. And I told her, we have one hour, and she was, like, with her facial expression, she wasn't very happy about that, and yeah, it didn't work at all. At some point, it was working hardly, and then I asked her to have sex, and she wanted to do that, but my, yeah, penis fall again. So yeah, those were my experiments before professional help. And as kind of like practice for this intimacy coaching. And then And then I finally got a girlfriend.
So I was actually like talking to her in a speed dating event. And only after a while, I was like, wait a moment, she's actually not pretty, and she is, but we have some, quite some things in common, like we were talking about psychology. And yeah, we could, we had a nice interesting conversation about that. So I said to myself, wait a moment, she is thin, I think if I'm relaxed, like with the exercise with the intimacy coach, I will find her attractive. Like I can see there is potential. So, yeah. And at that point, I started having dates on a regular basis, almost every week once, once a week.
I was active on Tinder and on Facebook a little bit, like, but none of them were working out, especially like there was one girl and she, I didn't feel like she cares about what I want. First date, I was really amazed about that, like we had a nice conversation, she. But then second date, she was like, whenever I have time, we can meet, like whenever she has time, she will give me a short notice, and then I can come. And then like she made me pay for her soup, and I felt not, no any, not like, I felt that she's not respecting what my wants and needs.
She's only thinking about herself, and I decided not to follow this relationship. She was saying like, yeah, she's busy, and I have to adjust to her, and if I don't, it's like, and then when I said, no, I don't want to adjust, like spontaneously, and she said, yeah, you are like German. So yeah, and exactly I met this girl that I became, that became my girlfriend. So here, I, So first I met, so yeah, it was