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Ive dealt with so much, i think i even told you how i got kicked out of a friend group, now this ket thing. So much drama. Conflict. It's been suffocating.

I went to go see my first love, I don't know or if the universe is tormenting me, but someone engraved the name Brandon in my park. The name my first love carried. I asked whyd he have to leave. Like im bambi from bambi II in the field dream where his mother appears and he runs to her asking that question. I spoke to him saying i wonder if life wouldve been better or worse with you. Would life still suck. I told him how much it hurt when he left. That i guess these temporary pains I get, aren't anything compared to the existential, corpse weight I had to carry for three years when he left. A time I can barely grasp or hold the shape of. A time where my brain fogged all the outlines. I never paid more attention up until those years, because I knew my brain was erasing every part, erasing the self of me that had to endure and live through that pain, exiling me, i rebelled through paying visceral attention, to prove i was worth even a little bit of remembering.